Looking back Looking forward | Being here Now

Attitude Gratitude
5 min readJan 3, 2021


It’s a juggle and balancing act. Looking too far back, you may miss what’s in front of you — looking too far forward; you may lose sight of what’s here now.

If you read my last post, you’re aware of the crypto craze I’ve found myself in. There’s already been money lost, money earned, and then money lost again. I’m making a deliberate point to stop looking at the charts for a while because I don’t want to lose sight of the fact. The fact is, I’m investing in what I believe to be a better future. While I don’t fully understand the Blockchain and all things Cryptography, I have a lot of faith in our generation’s great minds developing the technology.

I created this blog because I love expressing myself through writing; not only that but some of my favorite memories are of times when I’ve shared personal accounts from my journals with friends. My close friend agreed to turn all my writings into books if I happen to die before him. I decided that instead of waiting for my death, I can start to share some of those thoughts and ideas right now. It’ll take some pressure off my friend if I have most of what I want to be shared out there.

While I was doing my typical morning clean sweep, I came across an old diary from 2015. It’s not that old, but it certainly feels like a lifetime ago. 2015 was a massive year for me when it comes to personal development. In my mind, it was the year that I finally stopped talking about it and started being about it. It was also a year full of grief — but it was the right kind of suffering that happens when you let go of things that aren’t serving.

Today I want to put a spotlight on my past self and share some of her insights. You never know what you might learn.

BEGIN NOTE: sometimes in 2015

This book is an example of co-existing with the conditioned mind and the formless mind.

**stormy clouds. They roar through the sky. I see. **

*Hand in hand. You’re stepping close. It’s we. Her you are with me. I believe. It’s free. What a friend I have indeed.*

**You took my hand we walked through the shadows. What a friend I have indeed. You stood right there, didn’t compare. Yes, a friend, I do believe. Stormy clouds roar through the sky. I see you’re talking steps through rain, oh, we will not go alone, hand in hand, together with push through the weather, casting off shadows, igniting the flame. **

Things in life are too good not to be thankful. I am amazed at all the positive changes taking place in my life RIGHT NOW! I am forever grateful. I am undeserving, but here I am!

My body has been aching, my mind, loud. I need to meditate and slow it down. Butterflies, mixed in spins, my stomach turns, whirls upside down. I’m overstimulated; cut it back. Not an easy task cutting it down, still fret, you know it’s in-depth. Overdosing even keep flowing.

I spent $50 to file my taxes, and now I’m only getting $140 back. 2014 was not my money-making year. I’m not proud of the less than $10k I made, mostly since I was at a decent job. This year has been more smooth. I have a ways to go.
.Eating food that doesn’t belong to you.
.Buying things that don’t add value.
.Waking up late.
.Too much caffeine
.Eating unhealthy.
I admit these things, and I invite light to shine over all that is damaged and cracked within me. Help me stay aware of my moments of weakness. I will move on and create a better life that will better serve everyone.

“Wisdom is earned, NOT learned.”
I’m at a coffee shop right now, right across the stress from my job. I’m feeling good day. I finally got the right dose of medication, which hasn’t been the case for the past few weeks. I am happy. My anti-depressants should start working soon. I don’t feel depressed right now, though it comes and goes as it pleases.

I’m so in love with my life; I aim to control my emotions well enough to enjoy my satisfaction with it all. I have a fantastic job that challenges me and motivation to learn. The house I’m living in is welcoming and loving while also challenging me to keep my morals straight. I am falling for an amazing man who is genuine and NICE. He is one I like to keep. I don’t lose myself in him, but I genuinely want to better myself. My dear friends are showing back up in my life, and they are doing beautiful things for themselves, and they inspire me much. My father’s relationship is mended and healed, and I love him, which is a big deal for us. I have a deep care for my family. I am apart of a performance group, and my dreams are coming true. I am seriously in the right spot; I am alive, healthy, and thriving.

Please give me the strength and endurance to stay focused and driven. Could you help me save money and be altruistic? Let me be an example of love in this world.

Yoga has been teaching me how to be consistent. The love I have for yoga is only an expression of my love for myself and all of existence.

My friend reached out to me about the new blog page he has. He says I played a role in inspiring him to write since I was always writing when working with him at my last job. It makes me laugh because he never really seemed to care about my little poems. I wrote, but I shared anyway. That’s one reason why sharing is essential. YOu never know who you’re affecting and where your inspiration is traveling. It’s a circle that requires contributing. I feel I’ve fallen away from feeling free and inspired, but since I inspired my friend at one point or another, he is now sharing that with me again. I’m becoming re-inspired by original inspiration. That’s dep. If I had a computer, I’d start a blog, though there’s something about handwriting, my thought, that feels magical.


So anything that I put in ** is just little poems or tidbits from my journal. I journal correctly and march it to the beat of my drum. Anyway, it feels good looking back, but not too far.
I’m looking forward to putting more of my trust back into the process and living my best life.

I hope reading these passages makes you feel inspired in a way that’s unique to you. My love for you and the entire world grows stronger every day. May you be happy. May you be safe. May you be healthy. May you be at peace.




Attitude Gratitude

*I'm not offering any professional advice, this is simply my ideas and experiences surrounding general life style modifications * **& stuff**